


Im fine, I lied.

by HopePotter



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk (Comics)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Civil War Team Iron Man, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Irondad, Mental Health Issues, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, SHIELD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-07-04 00:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopePotter/pseuds/HopePotter
Summary: When Alicia Ray started school at Midtown Highschool, she didn't expect a chance to work with Tony genius-playboy-billionaire-philanthropist Stark! However, if she does get that internship, can she hide her bad coping habits and struggles? Or will she finally accept help? ♥





	1. Internship?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, hope you like it! I'm going to be slowly explaining her struggles more and more each chapter, but this is just a way for me to learn more about mental health/ illness. If any of you need to talk, just ask and ill be happy to both listen and give advice. Ly all and leave feedback below? Thanks!
> 
> ~Hope ♥

 

She was sitting on a school bus. The thick grey clouds exited the back of the engine. She lay her head down on the ripped cushion chair as she looked through her backpack to find her phone and earbuds. The rain tapped lightly on the glass windows while she started rustling in her seat. Tap. Tap. Tap. More rustling. She smiled to herself as she found what she was looking for, popping one earbud in her ear while the other hung limply by her side. Her name was Alicia. She loved to draw and lie in between nature. She would do it for the whole day, however, she had school to deal with. More importantly, she had gym. It was usually her favourite subject, so she had to try her best to hide suspicion and do track and field as always. Unfortunately, running wasn't easy anymore. You see, Alicia had an eating disorder.

 

\-----------------------

 

 

   I stayed quiet for the rest of the bus ride popping one earbud into my ear as the other fell. Other kids on the bus screamed around me. My friends chatted loudly next to me in the other seat, left of the aisle. I'm not sure what they were talking about, but I didn't seem to care. I've been doing that a lot lately. My fingers wandered through the apps on my phone. I clicked on Spotify and put on my favourite song at the moment, Burned by Grace Vanderwaal. I love the deep meaning in between the lyrics; and the emotions because no matter what song I play, I always end up clicking on this one. I shoved my bag near the window and slouched in my chair as I tried to fight the intrusive thoughts beginning to appear in my head, trying to focus on the lyrics of the song instead. "Don't play with fire, unless you want to get burned, want to get burned." I really hope nothing happens to my music. Its the only thing grounding me to reality right now. I mean does it really matter? Right then a notification popped up on my phone.

 

 

_Aunt_ _: Hey honey, hope you're adjusting well to your new apartment! Remember to take care of yourself. Especially_ _the 3 meals a day. You seem to forget that a lot. <3_

 

 

My face crumpled. I felt bad for ' _forgetting'_  to eat all the time, but the thought of having to digest something made my stomach churn in disgust. I guess Sage, my 'friend' noticed my discomfort because she asked about it.

 

"Hey Alicia, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

 

 

"Hmm? Oh, yea just tired" I lied through my teeth as I shot her the best fake smile I could muster. Well technically, I was tired. Having a nearly empty stomach screaming at me and demanding for food didn't exactly help me sleep. Sage had a facial expression that reminded her of both suspicion and worry, while her eyes rolled in pretend annoyance.

 

 

"Okay then, but you really should try to sleep more. It's not healthy." She said.

 

 

"Okay  _mom_ " I replied as I rolled my eyes back, faking my laugh and hoping it would be believable enough to drop the concerning look on her face. Thankfully, it seemed like luck was on my side today because her face slowly relaxed as she gave me a quick smile back.

 

 

The rest of the bus ride was quiet for Alicia, except for the occasional finger tapping on her knee to calm her nerves.

 

 

\-----------------------

 

 

"Welcome, students of Midtown Highschool. As you-- anyone that breaks dress code--" as usual, the principal gave his long speech about safety, dress code, and whatever else he could do to keep the students in line.

 

 

She hated sitting on the cold, brown tile floor, listening to the same words she heard every year. Well, to be honest, Alicia wasn't really listening. Being around so many people she didn't know, feeling chills down her spine at their judging and wandering eyes, she could barely focus on anything. Not only that, but it was loud. Kids and teenagers talking and yelling at each other, it was giving her a headache. And her sensory overload anxiety made her ears, unfortunately, good at picking up every little noise and word around the school.

 

 

Just as my anxiety was about to fade, I heard one sentence that grabbed my attention and glued my eyes to the podium.  _No. They can't be serious._

  
  
  
  


 

"Please welcome,  _Tony Stark!"_

 

 

_Tony Stark? Iron man? Only the best most amazing genius playboy billionaire philanthropist ever! Omg, what is he doing here!_

 

 

_I think I'm starting to go crazy. Hallucinating. Absolutely mad._

 

 

In order to make sure that I was still very much sane, I looked around at the rest of the people in the auditorium. They were all looking around and screaming in shock. Then, to cause even more mayhem in the area,  _the one and only Tony Stark walked out. In the flesh!_  He was wearing a fresh looking black suit along with black leather shoes, which probably cost more than the entire school did. As well as the usual black sunglasses.

 

 

"Ahem. As you all may or may not know, I am Tony Stark-- " _who wouldn't know!"_ a voice interrupted, one I identified with disgust as Flash. Mr Stark paid no attention, however, as all the teachers shot him (Flash) a death stare and smiled apologetically at Tony.

 

 

"As I was saying, I own Stark Industries. Recently, an idea was made for one student, age 15-18 to get the chance to gain an internship as a lab assistant with me."

 

 

_Oh my god- no. This can't be happening. I already know what he's gonna say. How's he gonna choose though? I hope I can do it. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm no one. As much as I hate to admit it, I think Flash would have a better chance than me. I probably wouldn't be able to focus anyway given that I can't even take care of myself._

 

 

"And since everyone here is practically amazing at science and math since this school is focused on those two subjects, I thought it would be the best place to find someone. I have already communicated with the principal, and when you return to your classes, you will have around an hour to solve and translate the formula on the sheet of paper placed on your desk. Your teachers will give you the rest of the instructions. Good luck to you all, I can't wait to see who I will have the pleasure to work with"

 

 

_Okay. Maybe there is a chance I could actually do this? I've got a decent amount of skill in solving equations._

 

 

However, the other students were murmuring to each other and seemed pretty confident.

 

 

Before Mr Stark left the stage, I could see his eyes gaze around to look at the excited students. And his eyes locked with mine.

 

 

_Great, now he's judging me too._

 

 

As I avoided his intimidating gaze, I saw Flash pointing at me while whispering to his friend. When he saw that he had been caught, he sneered at me and turned around to continue his conversation. 

 

 

Since I had no one to talk to, I decided to get a head start and avoid what was sure to become a stampede of students fighting and trying to get out the door and to class.

 

 

_Well, here goes nothing._

 


	2. The Test (ft. Panic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alicia wrote the test. But finishing before everyone isn't exactly calming her nerves. And neither is Flash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I can't believe 81 (so far) people saw the first chapter! I was soo not expecting that. Ily guys so much thank you so here's another chapter. (I couldn't wait for next week)
> 
> Also, pretty descriptive anxiety attack and self-doubt so warning. Again ly

\-----------------------

Tick, tock. Scratch. Click, click.

 

The clock was loudly ticking in my ear as people worked and scribbled down ideas on the sheet of paper. The instructions given earlier said that we had an hour to answer and solve the following equation.

 

Thirty minutes had passed, and I was worried. My translation sounded right, and so did my formula. However, all the other students had not finished. I finished, and as much as I wanted to hand it in and bolt, the fact that I was the first to solve it made me feel like everything I did was wrong.

 

_There are way more kids that are smarter than me in this class. So shouldn't it be harder for me to solve since they're still working? I probably failed. Why did I even think I had the chance to work with him. I starve myself, he wouldn't want me to be his partner even if i did win._

 

My hands were starting to shake and breathing was becoming harder.  _No. You can't have a anxiety attack here. You can't do anything right. No wonder Flash picks on you._ I had to get out. I decided to leave my paper and wish for the best, since those were the instructions anyways. I walked up to Ms. Moore; the teacher.

 

"Can I go to the washroom?"

 

" _Did you finish the test and flip it over?"_ annoyance evident in her voice.

 

"Yes, I did." I replied, voice shaky.  _I really have to leave._

 

_"Alright then, you can go. Pick up your phone on the way out."_

 

I quickly walked out of the classroom, opening the door, jealousy directed at me from the students eyes. I ran down the hallway, heartbeat screaming in my ears, every deep breath hurting my chest.  _I really hope no one is inside._ I spotted the girls bathroom and slowly walked through.  _No one is there, great._ I went in one of the stalls, locking the door with the flimsy and rusty metal lock and rummaged desperately, smacking my hand against the other books in my bag trying to find my phone. I had recorded some breathing exercises in case this happened.  _Found it!_ I quickly went through my notes and found one called " _The 4 7 8 breathing technique"_

 

_1\. Inhale for 4 seconds_

_2\. Hold your breath for 7 seconds_

_3\. Exhale for 8 seconds_

 

I repeated the technique again and again and after what felt like hours, the hyperventilating stopped and I could finally breathe again.

 

I looked at the time.  _6 minutes had passed._ Hopefully, the teacher wouldn't mind. I walked out of the washroom, and down the tile filled hallway. Walking into class, I could see that everyone was still  _working._ I don't understand why I finished so quickly, but I tried to stay calm and not let it bother me.

 

Ms. Moore must have seen me sitting down waiting in boredom because she called me up to her desk.

 

" _Alicia, since you've finished your test, I find no reason to keep you in here. You may take your bag and hang around the school until further notice."_

 

"Okay, thank you".

 

I went back to my seat and picked up my backpack.

 

" _Pssst"_

 

I looked around to find the source of the noise, which once again was Flash.

 

I raised one eyebrow in response. He smirked at me and dragged his finger across his throat, as if he was slitting it.

 

I gulped and stood up, leaving to my next class. As I walked down the stairs to get to the first floor, I looked at the time.  _5 minutes until all the papers are collected._ The hallway and the stairs were both empty, and everything was okay. 

 

Fortunately, I could go anywhere since its a free period. I would have looked around for Sage and my other friends, but I can't handle that today. Even if I did go and sit with them, there was no doubt that I'd be interrogated by their suspicion from earlier morning on the bus. I decided to sit outside and listen to some music instead. The period lasted an hour; and I needed something to listen to, or else people might come and make small talk, which I despised. Not only that, but my mind was full of negativity and worry about Flash's remark. What could he have done? Or even worse, what will he do? I guess I'll have to  _wait and see_.

 

\-----------------------

 

After listening to my ninety percent sad playlist, I decided to check the time. Oh, how I wish I didn't. It was time for my next class.

 

_PhysEd._

 

As I trudged down the hall to the gym wing, each step filled with dread; every breath filled with misery, static echoed. I stopped walking and looked up at the speakers, because anything was better than class.

 

" _Hello, students. As you all know, the internship test was completed around two hours ago. And we finally have a winner! So head down to the cafeteria, maybe it's you!"_

 

I knew that I should've been nervous about the assembly, but I couldn't have been happier; I wouldn't have to do gym. And that meant that any suspicion with my eating habits would be avoided for another day. I practically skipped into the cafeteria. I came early, so I took a seat in the front, as I waited for the rest of the students to file in.

 

" _There is no way that you are getting chosen as his assistant"_ a voice whispered, the hairs on my neck standing as I turned to look at the speaker.  _Flash._ Why won't he leave mealone?

 

"Go away Flash" I replied, not wanting to deal with his drama.

 

" _Sorry, not possible. But for now, just wait. Don't let me say I told you so."_

 

_Ugh. He's so annoying. He might have a point though..._

 

_"Hello, attention please."_

 

I looked up at the stage as our teacher spoke. He then gave the microphone to Tony Stark, who gave us feedback on the test.

 

"Many of you had the ability to solve the formula, and only a few of you got the translation partially correct. However, one student stood out. They finished in around half an hour."

 

My breath caught in my throat. I finished first.  _It couldn't be me, could it?_

 

"The student, that will get to be my lab assistant for the Stark internship is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Again, feedback?
> 
> Oh and sorry for the cliffhanger!


	3. Who's the winner? (ps. Avengers Tower)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, whos the winner? Is there a mistake? What is Flash up to this time?? Also, is everything about to get worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Since I have like 0 self-control and can't fully wait for 2 more days, early chapter update♥
> 
> Hope you like this chapter, feedback if you like, and again may mention:
> 
> \- intrusive thoughts   
> \- self-esteem (low)  
> \- eating disorder mentions  
> \- anxiety (no attack)
> 
> ~Hope ♥

_Flash Thompson!_ Congratulations, Flash.

 

Now, since this is also a "learning experience" Flash's answer will be projected on the screen behind me."

 

" _I told you so Alicia"_ Flash teased as his friends applauded him. It didn't make sense though. I finished before Flash. Maybe he left after me? I'm not sure.

 

I looked up glumly at the board, then it clicked.  _That was my sheet! My answer was being projected on the board._ I couldn't believe it. That's what Flash meant when he slit his throat with his finger and guaranteed I wouldn't win. He stole my paper. How? I don't know. But I was so telling Tony Stark. I am not missing this opportunity. I knew it was mine because I always put a small A in the corner of my papers. Like a watermark. And it sure was there.

 

After the assembly, while all the students filed out to there class, I walked up to Mr Stark, who was talking with the principal.

 

"Excuse me, Mr Stark?"

 

He looked at me with an amused expression on his face. "Yes?"

 

"Um... I think there's been a mistake with the winner."

 

"Really? How so, um what's your name?"

 

"Alicia. And I'm pretty sure that paper is mine." I replied pointing at the still projected test sheet.

 

Both the principal and Tony looked at me.

 

"What proof is there that this paper is yours?" the principal asked.

 

"First of all, I always put an A in the corner of my paper, kind of like a trademark. Second, when I finished my test, in half an hour, Flash was still writing. I don't mind writing the answer again for you."

 

"Well, Alicia, you do seem pretty confident; so here's what we'll do. You and Flash will join me in the office, and I will give you the same equation. Whichever one is more familiar to the one on the sheet of paper, will get the internship." Mr Stark replied.

 

"Okay thank you so much! I really don't know why he would do that."

 

So now, twenty minutes later, me and Flash were working on the same test paper, again, under the supervision of Mr Stark and the principal.

 

I was working on the translation. Which was fairly simple considering the fact that I had done it hours before. Flash, on the other hand, was struggling. His face was filled with worry, which was a totally new emotion for him.

 

Five minutes later, I finished. Half an hour to complete everything, just like two hours ago. I stood up and gave my paper to Mr Stark, then sat down to wait for Flash.

 

After 10 minutes, Mr Stark coughed loudly, succeeding in getting everyone's attention. "Um, Flash? Can we get an update on how long it might take you to finish?"

 

Flash looked up, and I was in utter shock.

 

His eyes were puffy; he'd been silently crying. That's when I knew, something good was about to happen.

 

_"I lied! Okay? It's not my paper. It was Alicia's! I knew that she would have the answer, so I wrote her name on my paper and my name on hers. But now you know so I guess that didn't do anything."_ Flash said bitterly.

 

Mr Stark looked at him, expression unreadable. "Okay well, if you excuse us, I have to talk to Alicia about the internship. And Flash, I'm sure the principal has a suitable punishment for your actions".

 

I walked out with Mr Stark, looking back at Flash's miserable face one last time. I was gonna enjoy it.

 

Once we were out of the classroom, Tony turned towards me.

 

"Congratulations, Alicia. I've got to say, I'm impressed with your skill. If you don't have any issue with leaving early, I will be taking you to the vehicle. You will come with me to Stark Tower, and after I make a couple of phone calls and dismiss some matters, we'll be going to the Avengers Tower".

 

"We're leaving now? And the Avengers Tower? I'll get to meet the Avengers? If this is a dream I don't want to wake up."

 

Tony Stark chuckled. "All in good time, Alicia, all in good time. Now, to the limo. Happy will drive us."

 

I followed him in a daze.  _Limo? Avengers? Lab assistant! Internship! And Tony freakin Stark? One day and nothing will ever be the same. Again._

 

\-----------------------

 

I was sitting in Tony Starks car. With Tony Stark in the front seat. I couldn't believe it.

 

I was excited, but I had bigger problems to deal with.

 

Like the fact that I was going to be at Mr Starks house!  _I don't even deserve to go. What if he tells me to eat? I can't eat. Too many calories. I'm already ugly, I don't have to be fat too. Ughh. Flash is right. I can't have anything today. And I need to find a way to triple my daily workout. I ate too much yesterday. That sandwich may have looked small, but I swear I gained like 5 pounds._

 

As my brain continued to shower me in self-deprecating comments, It was interrupted. By none other than Happy.

 

"We're here Mr Stark."

 

"Thanks, Happy." Tony replied.

 

The door opened, Happy holding it for me while Mr Stark stood outside. I walked out of the limo, feeling Tony's eyes pass through me, taking every secret I hid with him.

 

_He probably thinks I'm fat too. I'm a disgrace. Are my clothes okay? My outfit sucks. He probably agrees._

 

"Alicia?"

 

"Hm?" I had accidentally zoned while following Mr Stark to Stark Tower.

 

"You can come in."

 

I looked around. We were standing outside the tower. Amazing. The tower was quite tall, probably had over 50 floors. The building was made of limestone, which was sparkling from the sun's reflection. And the windows? Were something else.

 

"It's better on the inside" he smiled smugly.

 

And boy was he right. The granite tiles, the lobby, and the elevator? Everything looked expensive and new as well as clean. The place smelled like cologne, and there were a couple of workers wandering around.

 

"Woah. It's amazing."

 

"Told you. Now, to the elevator."

 

I walked behind Mr Stark like a lost puppy. Mostly because one: I was. And two: I couldn't, and I mean couldn't let Tony see my body properly. If he did, he'd notice that even though I was overweight, my ribs stuck out and my cheekbones were quite defined.

 

I entered the elevator, and I was right. There were more than 50 floors. 70, to be exact.

 

"Friday, take us to floor 35"

 

I must've looked confused because Tony explained what Friday was.

 

"She's an AI that I created. She monitors health, can take you to any floor, follows security protocols, and can do almost anything you'd like her to. Floor 35 is the dining room."

 

I offered him a weak smile. The dining room. Food. I can't let him figure out. It was getting harder to breathe.

 

_No. You can't panic next to him. Your such a weakling. Stop. It'll be okay. It's okay._

 

I started to repeat the exercise I had done in the bathroom all the way to floor 35. Hopefully, the silence didn't raise any suspicion.

 

Once the elevator stopped, I followed Mr Stark out the door. He walked to the counter (which looked as good as everything else) and took out his phone.

 

"Hey, Alicia? I have to make a couple of phone calls. Let the Avengers know that they're expecting a guest; and another member that's gonna be around for a while. You can sit on one of the couches over there. Your automatically connected to the internet here so you may do as you please." he said as he pointed across of him to the soft looking mattress.

 

"Okay, thank you, Mr Stark." I squeaked, still both nervous and shocked by the place.

 

Mr Stark looked at me, with what looked like a touch of disappointment or sadness in his eyes.

 

_Great. First day here and I've already bothered him._

 

I decided to not give it much thought and wandered around the apps on my phone; checking social media and what not. Mr Stark had left the room so I decided to listen to some music and sit on one of the smaller couches in the room.

 

\-----------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Next chapter is gonna go more in-depth about Alicia's disorder and will kind of bring Tony and her closer. Kind of like Peter Parker and Tony. The update is next week, hope you liked it!


	4. Caught Red Handed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally meeting the Avengers would have been great, if there weren't more problems to worry about.
> 
> Also, Dinner?¿

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm updating a day early because if you don't already know, I have no self-control. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Grade 10 is annoying as usual. But anyway, here we go and thanks for the support!
> 
> May mention:
> 
> -Self-hate  
> -Eating disorder (plus thoughts)  
> -Intrusive thoughts  
> \- Panic attack (detailed)
> 
> Also, I don't know if I got the characterisation right? Especially the Avengers. So feedback on that if you want!
> 
> Ly, enjoy! ♥
> 
> ~Hope <3

"Alicia? I've finished everything that needs to be done here. I'm going to make some coffee before we leave. Would you like anything?"

 

"No thank you. I'm not hungry" I replied shakily after taking out my earbuds and pausing my music.

 

Tony looked at me like he knew something I didn't.

 

"Are you sure? I really don't mi-"

 

"I swear Mr Stark I'm fine. Lunch was enough for me." I cut him off with a forced smile.

 

Mr Stark looked a bit concerned.

 

"Really, Alicia? Because when I checked your schedule to sign you out early, you hadn't gone to lunch yet."

 

_Oh no. I screwed up. Big time._

 

 

 

 

"Um, yea. I ate earlier since I finished the test before everyone. It was a free period?" I lied, hoping it would be convincing enough.

 

His concern dropped from his face replaced by seriousness.

 

"Alright then, but just so you know, you can talk to me about anything. I'm not that scary." he joked with an uneasy smile.

 

 _Phew. That was_ way _to close. And yea right. If only you knew. I don't think I could have that talk with Tony genius playboy billionaire philanthropist Stark._

Again, I smiled back and nodded; trying to get rid of any concern left on his face.

 

And so, two hours later, I was standing behind Mr Stark filled with anxiety, trying to calm myself by moving my feet and playing with my hands. I was about to meet the Avengers.

 

"Alicia? It's gonna be okay. They'll love you! And I think I was a bit dramatic. The ones that will probably be in there right now are Natasha, Steve, Clint, and Bruce."

 

"Yea, great. Just going to meet Black Widow, Captain America, Hawkeye, and the Hulk. Nothing _major_." I replied, trying to be humorous.

 

Tony smiled at me, then opened the door.

 

It looked like a living room of some sort. A dining table, couches, a television. And just like Tony said, sitting on the dining table, eating pizza, were the Avengers. Well some of them anyway.

 

They looked up once I went in. I smiled and waved, hoping I didn't look too shaken.

 

"Hey Nat, Clint, Steve, and Bruce. You guys get to meet Alicia first. My new lab assistant. She won the internship with me and finished the test in 30 minutes. It was impressively correct too. Some kid tried to take credit for it though." Tony announced.

 

One by one, they stood up, introduced themselves, and went back to eating.

 

"Hey Alicia, I'm Steve. Tony's been looking for an assistant for quite a while. Something tells me he's gonna like you."

 

"Oh shut up Cap." Tony grumbled.

 

"Thanks, Captain." I replied.

 

"Oh please. It's Steve."

 

Next was Clint.

 

"Hey there. You seem cool. I'm kind of the prankster around here so if you're interested, let me know."

 

I smirked in reply. "Of course."

 

"Ooh, I like her already!"

 

Then Natasha.

 

"Alicia, nice name." then she whispered.

 

"I know I'm shown to be coldhearted, but I'll make an exception for you."

 

I gave her a warm smile. "Thanks."

 

Lastly, Bruce.

 

"Hey there, nice to meet you. You seem really smart. The fact that you managed to both solve and translate Tony's equation is astonishing."

 

My cheeks were turning pink. "Wow, thank you, Bruce."

 

"Well Alicia, we just started dinner. I ordered pizza and I know its been hours since you last ate. You must be starving. Come join us." Clint stated.

 

I took a deep breath as Mr Stark nudged me towards them.

 

"Go on kid. They're right. Its been over 3 hours."

 

"Um, I'm not hungry." I said as my stomach rumbled in protest.

 

Shoot.

 

The Avengers laughed as if nothing was wrong.

 

Tony, however, had his eyebrows furrowed, his fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose, as he studied Alicia silently.

 

I gulped. "Okay, I guess. I'll take a slice."

 

I walked up and sat on one of the empty stools, next to Nat. She looked at me, smiling as she handed me a slice.

 

As they started talking about something I didn't understand, I stared at the slice on my plate.

 

_How many calories are in here? 90? I can't eat it. But if I don't, they'll notice something is wrong. I was already close to being caught. I don't want it to happen again. I mean one slice won't hurt, right? I can't gain like 5 pounds, can I? God just eat it! But...but it's too greasy..._

 

\----------

 

"Um, Alicia?" Bruce said. "It's been 15 minutes. Are you gonna eat that or not?"

 

All the attention was on me now. I tried to act casual. Right when I was about to speak, Tony interrupted.

 

"Alicia? Can I quickly talk to you about the internship? I'm sure you were _enjoying that slice_ but.."

 

"No, that's okay, I wasn't hungry anyway."

 

I knew that no matter what, something was gonna go wrong. I should've known nothing good would have lasted this long.

 

I tried to act confident, but it was already getting hard to breathe. I took deep gulps as silently as possible while I followed him. After a while, we were inside what looked like his lab. I was shaking and didn't know how I was gonna hide the panic slowly blooming.

 

Tony looked at me. I could tell he was getting nervous himself but he put on his calm expression again. Then he closed the door.

 

"Alicia. At Stark Tower, I dismissed the fact that you weren't hungry. Your excuse was logical enough. But now, I'm a bit concerned. You were clearly hungry."

 

My face flushed in embarrassment.

 

"And after Nat gave you a slice of that pizza, you didn't look like you wanted to eat it. So I made up the excuse to take you somewhere we could talk privately and not be interrupted. If your gonna be my lab assistant, trust is important. So, do you mind telling me what's going on?"

 

Tony was judging me with deep concern in his eyes.

 

I was speechless. _He'd figured out my secret in less than a day. I suck. But how was I supposed to explain?_ All of a sudden, panic shot through my body. I couldn't _breathe_. I tried, each shuddering gasp making it harder. My vision became blurry, coloured spots clouding it. I was shaking and I couldn't s _ee._ Could anything be _worse than having a panic attack_ in front of your _boss?_ Especially if that boss was _Tony Stark?_

 

"Oh, Alicia it's okay. I'm not mad, just wanted to understand. Kid, are you having a _panic attack_? Ugh, what am I saying, obviously yes."

 

His talking wasn't helping. I felt my heart drop to my stomach as I covered my ears. It was too loud. So much was going on in my head. I needed it to pause. I felt the redness of heat reach my face, and I took my hands off my ears to pull on my sweater. Vision swimming, I collapsed on to my knees, head screaming with stress, body shaking with panic. I couldn't keep it in.

 

"STOP. PLEASE. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

 

I sobbed as I crawled towards the nearest wall, smacking my head against it again, and again, and again. Each time harder than the last. The pain filled my head in a comforting way, giving me something to focus on. Then I felt a hard, iron grip around me, pulling me towards them. I fought, not knowing who it was. After struggling to no avail, I was worn out. I fell back onto them, smacking something warm.

 

"Ali, it's just me; Tony Stark. And you need to breathe. You'll pass out if you run out of breath."

 

" _I-i i... ca..._ nt!" I managed to say, warmth intertwining with fear as I felt the arc reactor at the back of my head. I opened my eyes slowly and painfully, then quickly shut it again.

 

"Too...bright." I whispered.

 

"Friday, turn the brightness down to 30%!" Tony said.

 

I opened again, relaxing a bit as I felt the softness of the light. Then I saw Tony's face. Concern and worry etched into his features, eyebrows furrowed. I shot up, groaning as the pain of both my head and the anxiety came back. I heard a noise, but it wasn't clear. I stood up, vision still wonky and body shaking. _Which wasn't a good idea?_ The room was tilting. I heard cursing and a quick movement, as I fell onto the ground, smacking my head against something. It wasn't tile, it didn't hurt. It was soft, and it was slowly being lowered. I didn't have time to process it though since everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah sorry for the cliffhanger! Happy to read your comments! They honestly make my day. Ly! ♥
> 
> ~Hope <3


	5. Caught Red Handed pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it finally time to talk?
> 
>  
> 
> And can Alicia calm for just one minute? Ehh I don't think so
> 
>  
> 
> Also. A totally soft Tony Stark that should be canon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY Y'ALL
> 
>  
> 
> WOAH, IS THIS ACTUALLY ME? POSTING 2 DAYS LATE? YUP, don't worry I can explain.
> 
>  
> 
> School.
> 
>  
> 
> I'll try to be more consistent, sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, some changes are being made to the msg in chapter 1: go check it out! Or, read the notes at the end.
> 
>  
> 
> Mentions:
> 
>  
> 
> \- Self-Hate
> 
> \- Low- Self Esteem
> 
> \- Panic (not attack)
> 
>  
> 
> Ly, and once again, enjoy?!
> 
>  
> 
> ~Hope ♥

I opened my eyes groggily, wincing as my eyes adjusted to the sudden change in brightness.  _Where was I?_  I tilted my head, trying to remember what had happened. I felt shuffling under me and looked up, only to meet the gaze of soft, brown eyes. That belonged to Tony Stark.  _How do I keep getting myself into these messes?_

 

I was laying on his chest, on what I now found out was his arc reactor. I quickly stood up, almost tripping over a stray pair of safety goggles. My face was flushed red.  _How horrible. Could this get any worse?_

 

Well apparently it could, because Tony stood up and looked at me, with no expression.

 

"Hey kid, you okay?"

 

I stared back.

 

"Yea, um what happened?" I asked nervously, playing with a hair elastic on my wrist.  _What did I do?_

 

Tony sighed, his hands sliding down his face as he did so.

 

"You don't remember?"

 

I looked at him in confusion, trying to search through my brain for something, but couldn't find anything in return.  _Thanks, for nothing._  My brain could be annoying at times like this.

 

I guess my silence told him enough, because a weary and serious expression took over his features, as he grounded himself by gripping to a lab desk.

 

"You won the internship, we went to the tower th-"

 

"No, I remember that. We came to the Avengers Tower, I met some of them, that was really cool.."

 

_What could I be missing? Clint's a prankster, Bruce thought I was smart... Oh no._

 

My breath hitched.  _Shoot._ My eyes widened in shock as all my memories came back, as if a switch had been turned back on again.  _No no no nope no._

 

"I'm guessing you remembered?"

 

_No._ I walked backwards, putting my hands in front of me, warning him not to get any closer.  _Don't panic. Don't. Calm. It's okay._

 

"Alicia-"

 

"NO! No-n..no. Stop, please stop. I'm fine, okay? Perfect, amazing, nothing's wro-"

 

"Alicia."

 

I bit my lip, hard enough for the bitter taste of copper, blood and metal to fill my mouth.  _How satisfying._ Except for the fact that after letting them heal, my lips were bitten to shreds; again.  _I wonder-_

 

A deep sigh cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to the situation at hand.

 

Tony looked like he was analyzing me, as if I was another glitch in a system he was building.

 

I fumbled more with an elastic, snapping it against my wrist therapeutically, watching my skin turn red, slowly, every snap defining the colour more; every tug causing the tingling sensation to become more numb.

 

**_Snap snap snap._ **

 

"Alicia?"

 

**_Snap snap snap._ **

 

"Alicia!"

 

**_Snap_ ** **_. Snap_ ** **_. Snap._ **

 

Another sigh. "Alicia, I really need you to talk to me. Bottling up your emotions isn't gonna help. It'll just cause another breakdown like this one." A pause. "Um, I have anxiety, and there are so many ways that you can make it easier to deal with. I might not be able to relate to all your problems, but I'm damn sure I could help."

 

I mentally sighed. I was tired of  _everything._  I get it, Tony was just trying to help, but I felt a tug at my stomach, nervously turning. I felt  _awful._ Bile filled my mouth. I swallowed it down.  _No._

 

Another sigh.

 

**_Snapsnapsnap._ **

 

"I-its just..I-i don't k-know...I mean..it's nothing? Ughh"

 

Another sigh.

 

"Alicia, I think it's best if we talk about it, okay? We could sit down, and I could ask you some questions. Just  _try._ If you can't do it, we'll try again tomorrow, alright?"

 

I was exhausted. The aching in my head was starting to make a comeback, and it hurt. I didn't care anymore. I felt weird. And angry. Nothing mattered, and everyone was lying about caring. Everything  _hurt._ It hurt so  _much._ I wanted it to stop. I snapped.

 

Looking up at Mr Stark, I felt all my worry and fatigue drain out; and in its place, came anger. I was  _fuming._

 

"NO! PLEASE! DROP THE ACT ALREADY! I'M FINE AND YOU'RE JUST OVERREACTING, OKAY?! WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR ONE DAY, AND EVERYTHING COMES CRASHING DOWN! Please, stop. It  _hurts._ It hurts so  _bad._ I can't take it  _anymore._ I am  _trying._ I really  _am._ And you can't  _fix me._ Because I'm not  _broken,_ I'm  _me._ _"_

 

I said the last word bitterly.

 

_Crap._

 

I just  _snapped_ at Mr Stark! I  _screamed_ at him. Why am I such a screwup? My head was pounding hard, a pulsing, but painfully steady thump near my eyes. I shut them tight. My legs had given out underneath me halfway through my rant. Slowly but carefully, I raised my arm up to my head, my fingertips lightly massaging my temple. Before I could stop it, my lips parted and a pained groan passed through them.  _Great._

 

I tried my best to mentally prepare myself for Mr Stark to kick me out. It's not like I even deserved the internship at the start anyway.

 

However, what I didn't expect, was a hard but warm calloused hand to touch my back almost hesitantly at first, then proceed to rub in circles, in comfort. The smell of motor oil and strong cologne invaded my senses, and I immediately knew it was Tony.

 

Everyone knows that Tony Stark isn't too fond of 'physical contact', so I wanted to cherish it. I slowly leaned into the touch, wishing I could stay like this forever. It felt  _safe._ However, no good moments last, and this one was no different.

 

"Alicia, don't cry, it's okay."

 

_Wait. Cry?_

 

Right then, the salty taste of tears made its self known on my lips. I wiped them off, trying to control them.

 

"Also, kid? Shouldn't we tell your parents about you staying in my building? I'm sure they've been wondering where you are. Plus, you're with Tony Stark! You might wanna tell em"

 

I looked up at Mr Stark, sadness glazing my eyes.

 

"I live alone."

 

"Oh, well we should probably still te-"

 

"I don't have any parents, Mr Stark. I'm an orphan. But I was old enough to not be placed in the system."

 

"Oh." Mr Stark looked at me, guilt shooting from his eyes.

 

"Kid, I'm sorry. I lost my parents too. Around your age actually. Are you okay?"

 

"I'm managing if that's what you're asking."

 

"No offence, but your managing isn't the best. "

 

_Shame_ shot through me again, as I struggled to control my breathing.

 

"Alicia, come on, let's go sit down."

 

Too exhausted to argue, I followed him, grabbing onto his extended hand with appreciation. I took slow steps towards one of the couches across the room, my legs sluggish from today's events.

 

I took a seat next to the armrest, my body sinking into to comfy mattress. It felt like a  _cloud._

 

After a while, I felt a slight dip in the couch, and I looked to the side. Mr Stark sat on the other side, a good distance away. Once again, I was grateful for it.

 

We sat in silence for what felt like hours, the only noise in the room was the rubber band I was snapping. I could feel Tony's eyes studying it.

 

**_Snap._ **

 

**_Snapsnap._ **

 

**_Snapsnapsnap._ **

 

Tony finally broke the silence, sighing, almost  _nervously?_

 

"Kid, I think it's time we have that talk."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the cliffhanger again. Hope you liked it! Any feedback? Comment below.
> 
>  
> 
> So, yes she's an orphan. I changed the msg in chapter 1 to her aunt. So, why doesn't she live with her aunt? Her aunt lives far away and Alicia doesn't want to leave Midtown. Next update is next week! Again, sorry and hope you enjoyed!
> 
>  
> 
> ~Hope <3


	6. It Gets Better (she thinks?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get better? Or so she thinks.
> 
> Featuring Thai Food and the Avengers ♥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW. I KNOW. 3 WEEKS. Who am I? Well you see, life happened and my brain wouldn't give me ideas but here we are. This might be the last chapter and if anyone read my vent edit, sorry about that. Anyways, enjoy! I'll talk more about the ending in the endnotes.
> 
> ~Hope <3

My anxiety spiked up for the millionth time today, but I managed to control it. I took a deep gulp, hands beginning to shake. After I finally found my voice, it wavered.

 

"Talk about what?"

 

I looked at Mr Stark, finally getting a proper look at his face.

 

Saying he looked  _awful_ was an understatement. His hair was dishevelled, he had dark eyebags under his eyes, his clothes were crinkled, and he looked like all the life was sucked out of him. Still, his calm expression remained. Wow, he was good at this.

 

"You know about  _what,_ Alicia. If you don't want to start, then I will. But if you want this to work, you have to answer truthfully. Okay?"

 

Concern visible in his eyes, he tried for a smile. It turned out lopsided, but it was the thought that counted,  _right?_

 

I guess I was studying his expression for too long because he exhaled a deep breath.

 

"Look, kid, I'm not enjoying this any more than you are, okay? And I'm not a psychiatrist or a therapist; we can get you to see some later, but unless you want to talk to Clint, or Bruce, or even Nat for god's sake! Then you're stuck with me because I already know what's going on. I think. So, you up for it?"

 

I don't think I want to see a psychiatrist. Natasha seems nice though, but I don't think her or any of the other Avengers will understand.

 

Remembering that Mr Stark was waiting for an answer, I opened my mouth to talk.

 

"um..uh okay" I mumbled.

 

"Great!" Tony said, with a bit too much faux enthusiasm _. Did he even remember what we were going to talk about? I was terrified._

 

His calm facade broke, as he sighed deeply, his elbows like broken branches on his knees, a serious look in his eyes.

 

"Okay, when did this all start?"

 

I froze.

 

"Um, I'm not sure, almost a year ago? Maybe 9 months?"

 

A flicker of shock flew past his face, covered then again with an unreadable expression.

 

"Okay, okay that's fine,"

 

More silence.  _Who was he trying to convince? Hopefully not her because this was definitely not okay. Not one bit. Why the hell did Tony have to deal with her? She should've been more care-_

 

A cough tore through her thoughts, and she whirled her head around so quick, it was a good thing that her neck didn't snap.

 

"As I  _was_ saying, when was the last time you ate?"

 

A revolting taste filled her mouth. It had just occurred to her that she hadn't drunk or eaten anything in the past 3 days.  _Yikes. Not good._

 

She considered lying, but Friday would probably read her stats out loud. More embarrassment was not needed. It was already bad, she didn't think it could get any worse. So she told the truth. Kind of.

 

"Um, breakfast."

 

Relief washed over Mr Stark's face; however, he must've taken her vague answer as a warning, because his eyebrows furrowed immediately, and his forehead wrinkled with stress.

 

"This morning?" He asked, voice soft, as if he were trying to calm me before the storm hit.

 

She should've laughed. He's the one that the storm would ruin. It ruined her a long time ago. But she didn't, it didn't feel right.

 

"No."

 

More concern.

 

"Alicia, when was the last time you ate breakfast?"

 

Looking at my knees, I dug my nails into my arms, wishing that I was anywhere but here. That I could just combust and disappear.

 

"Three days ago."

 

I slowly looked up at Tony, his eyes widening and his expression screamed panic; ugh, what have I done?

 

"Don't get mad, don't get mad...mad...mad"

 

Tony kept muttering the sentence, again and again, the wringing of his hands setting her on edge. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

 

"See? I knew this was a bad idea!"

 

He looked up in surprise.

 

"Wait- I said that out loud?"

 

"No, said what out loud? Don't get mad? It must have been my imaginatio- yes you did. See? Stop acting; you want to get mad? Go ahead, I don't care."

 

Tony looked like a guilty puppy.

 

"No no no, Alicia you've got it all wrong. It's just- out of all the interns that I could have gotten, it had to be someone that's self-destructive, anxious, and literally a mess, just like me. We couldn't be more different!"

 

She looked at him, mouth open in a dumbfounded expression, as her eyebrows rose.

 

"Me? Self-destructive? I'm not-,"

 

"With all due respect, as much as I would like to keep talking, this emotional talk is slowly draining me. So, while everything I said previously is a  _fact,_ we're gonna need some food before I am able to swallow (haha?) the reason to why you think starving yourself is the best answer to your problems. Friday? Could you order us some Thai food?"

 

"Yes, Sir. Waiting time: 10 minutes."

 

Tony looked at her with sympathy, not pity as he addressed her.

 

"You don't have to eat it if you can't. But at least drink something. I have water if you prefer. As much as I hate saying this, it has 0 calories so you shouldn't worry. Now, I put it somewhere...,"

 

And that is how, 30 mins later, Alicia had half a bottle of water forgotten on the floor, and a bit of soy sauce staining the fabric of her sweater (she managed a couple of bites). 

 

It was also how the Avengers found her when they barged in, laughing at something Tony had said. A plethora of thoughts filled her head as she listened to (and fangirled- which she will totally deny if asked, even if faced by Natashas menacing glare) the Avengers own tales about their struggles; but for once, it wasn't bad.

 

And even though she knew that it wasn't going to get better right away, and that everything might fall to pieces tomorrow, she would enjoy the feeling. The feeling of being content as well as the relief that poured from her shoulders after the talking was done. Until then, she could only hope,

 

Her pain would ease soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. SOOO I was wondering if you all wanted another chapter that goes more in depth about what the Avengers talked about? And I was also thinking of addressing more mental health issues with Alicia in another work? This would be one, and the next one could address anxiety, self-harm, depression, something like that? Also, I'm working on a Peter & Bucky work because I LOVE THEM AND FLUFF so, tell me if you like that? Yea. Hope yall are doing well and I'm always here to talk. Just tell me in the comments and ill find a way. Also, feedback? I don't really like this chapter but you guys deserve something soooo..... hope you enjoyed? Ly!
> 
> ~Hope ♥♥♥


	7. Authors Note (New Story!) ♥

Hey everyone! Just here to say that I have a new work that will have Irondad, some fluff, and yes, don't worry, your daily dose of angst is added. So, if you want to, it's up!

 

UPDATE! AN MJ ARTIST AND DEPRESSION FIC IS UP (if you want to) ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! Hopefully updating each week if high school doesn't get in the way. Again, feedback or clarification on anything I wrote is okay!


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